It is our natural tendency to want to minimize emotional suffering for those we care about, even at our own expense. But when we do this too often and for too long, we risk losing our authenticity. Losing a sense of what matters to us beyond pleasing others will undoubtedly leave us feeling defeated, for we will soon realize that we can never please everyone. Rather, if we get clear on what it is that is of utmost importance to us, and live our lives according to that truth, we will begin to feel a sense of peace within regardless of opinions of others. Living compassionately in our truth – and extending respect to others by trusting and allowing them to direct their own experiences – will lead to greater self-respect, a sense of personal agency, and courage necessary to manifest our visions.
So when we feel weighted down by conflicting desires, we could be well served by taking time to understand the depth of those desires and discern where they are coming from. Are they fueled by selfishness masquerading as love? Are they fueled by fear (that we won’t get another opportunity for …), a sense of responsibility, or perhaps by expectations to live up to our promises, even if initially they may have been misguided? Or are they motivated by genuine love for self and others? Trying to continually please others at the expense of nurturing all that is deeply important to us will eventually lead not only to a feeling of defeat but also resentment. An antithesis of love. And if our hearts are full of anything but love, how can we continue to offer ourselves to others selflessly? Service, offering, and a honest desire to please transform into mere appeasement, the effect of which is minimal, for one cannot offer of oneself what is not there to give.
How do we find balance? How do we start to untangle the knots of conflicting desires? In addition to becoming clear on the motives, it would serve us well to remember that, ultimately, it is not our responsibility to assure that others are comfortable with their external and internal circumstances. Not only is this not our responsibility, but trying to control other people’s experiences would be futile because we have no such power. Rather, we need to remind ourselves that everyone is responsible for their own emotional experiences and can, at any time, choose to shift perspective so as to feel more at ease. Our responsibility lies in staying authentic and practicing compassion and loving-kindness while maintaining integrity, come what may. And the courage we gain by remaining authentic will help us deal with every new challenge that arises as we navigate through life, this constant sea of change.
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