So Much Good

I am healing -
sizzling in the hot July sun,
waiting to be absolved of all
I haven’t said or done
better.
Flashes of experiences,
oceans of words exchanged,
emotions that once ran through
the whole of my being -
come upon me as I drift
in and out of wakefulness
and witness our undoing,
again, and again.
 
I saved
images of texts exchanged
over the years;
a random sampling of situations
and our responses,
to remind me of how things were
one day
when they no longer are.
Today I sat silently,
lost in them for hours;
moments of the past
alive and vibrant
as if they were happening presently.

And I couldn’t help but smile.

So much good
in what we had.

I wonder,
was it worth letting it go?
But I don't really want to know
because regrets are like daggers
moving about without control, 
and I won't allow this joy 
to be slashed recklessly
by either answer.  
It's never been us - 
always an internal struggle
and an external pursuit 
of temporary happiness;
life factors that challenged 
notions of simplicity
but none that detracted from
so
much
good
we brought to each other.
We held on
even when togetherness ebbed away,
returning to the same source of well-being
with every embrace,
until a time when the second hand 
of a clock barely had a chance to move
before you stepped back from me, 
and your eyes grew distant
to all that was.
 
I held onto you that evening
at the top of the stairs,
intuiting the absence
of future opportunities
to lose myself in all that you were to me.
You graciously extended tenderness
one last time.
Once the silence was broken
and the words started trickling,
stumbling over secrets 
you would never reveal
I helped you do what you couldn’t -
be your best friend - 
even if after that night,
we would no longer speak much,
if at all.
 
I don’t know if you’re happy now;
and if you are,
if it’s because someone else brings it
out in you,
or if it’s because you’ve finally learned
that happiness is a state of mind.
 
But I hope you are at peace.
 
There is
so
much
good
in his human experience,
once we learn to look for it
with our eyes closed.
And when we are present in the moment,
we can find it everywhere:
in the touch of those who love us,
in the expressions on the faces
of people we talk to –
when their gaze is set on us and they smile
as they watch us speak; 
we can see it in the intricacies
of the most mundane things,
and recognize it as simplicities
within the complexities of being alive.

There is
so
much
good
in being everything that you are,
in everything that I am,
in everything that we had.
And as we create our futures
inescapably tied to our past
may we find such moments of reflection
fueling us
with hope and faith and resolve to keep on
keeping on with life
because we’ve already known
so
much
good.