I can say to someone “let’s be more like children” and to another person (or the same person, for that matter) “you’re not a child” without evoking a double standard. It is essential to take context into consideration. Children, even as young as infants, are beautiful beings, innocent, pure, loving, observant, curious, determined, persistent, vibrant, and fueled by love. Their little brains take time to develop, so it takes some time to develop emotional intelligence, emotional regulation and the ability to make reasonable and positive choices in light of big and uncomfortable feelings (there are plenty of adults who haven’t mastered that yet!) but what they intuitively do from such an early age, is show empathy. Babies squeal when other babies squeal, screech happily when others do, and sob when they hear someone else’s cries for help or comfort. They initiate interaction with each other by reaching for one another. Young toddlers offer pacifiers or lovies to upset babies and readily give hugs to their sad friends without being prompted. Older toddlers will check in when someone is upset and ask: “Are you okay?” while gently resting their hand on a friend’s shoulder. Preschoolers will sit with a friend who has been hurt and try to cheer them up by bringing them toys or asking them to join in the activities that they know their friend usually enjoys. Children are intuitively empathetic, compassionate and kind. Just watch the dynamics closely in any childcare setting. True, children can also throw tantrums, bite, hit, act out by engaging in destructive behaviors, and say unkind things to people they are close to, because they haven’t yet learned how to appropriately channel those big feelings or express unmet needs that contributed to those feelings to begin with.
In early care and education settings, we teach children not only to name what they are feeling – and that is a challenging task in and of itself if we, the caregivers, do not poses a high degree of emotional intelligence ourselves or have not gained enough self-awareness so as to minimize projecting our own traumas or fears onto children when “reading” a situation – we also teach them that whatever they are feeling is valid. At the same time, we help them develop ways and strategies to express those feelings in a helpful and positive way. For example, we might redirect a child from kicking doors (or people!) and knocking over objects to stomping their feet forcefully while doing lion breaths. Maybe we encourage them to “shake their feelings out.” Whatever the strategy, the message is clear: what you are feeling is okay, what you are doing might not be, so let’s see what you could do to satisfy your need to release the big feelings in a non-violent way. As we grow older, we realize that violence is not always physical. When we act out of anger or frustration, we often take it out on people closest to us, whether or not they had anything to do with triggering it. This might not even take form of a major fight; it might just mean giving them a cold shoulder.
The first ethical principle in yoga philosophy is non-violence (or, non-harming). Beyond simply being non-violent, we are called to be peaceful. Being peaceful towards self and others is more than the absence of being violent – it is continual striving to be a conduit of love, ease and tranquility. The second principle is truthfulness. We are called to be authentic in the way we show up in our world, and to live our lives as beings of integrity. We are called to speak our truth and behave in ways that are compatible with that truth. But never at the expense of peacefulness. If we have a harsh truth to deliver to someone, we might think twice about how – or whether – to engage. We need to communicate our truth in a way that it will be heard. And the only way to do this is gently. Speaking words in a way that will evoke defensiveness in another person will not bring about a more peaceful outcome. And while we cannot control how another person responds to our words (i.e. whether or not the person will become defensive) we can certainly control the delivery of our message, and gauge the likelihood of it wounding the recipient. To circle back to feelings and behavior: yes, it is absolutely okay for all humans to feel whatever emotions are running through their system (in fact, it is essential to allow oneself to fully feel so as to more quickly and thoroughly process those feelings rather than shove them deep down) – in this way, we’re living our truth – but it is not okay if in the process we act in a way that brings unease or pain to others. Not to those who may have triggered those big and upsetting emotions, and especially not to those who happen to find themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time and have had nothing to do with our state of disarray.
Someone close to me often asks: “Why is it that I need to show up in a certain way for it to be acceptable?” Whether they are willing to recognize this or not, this question points to their (likely deep-seated) narrative that they always have to show up as happy to be accepted/loved as well as to the fact that they see themselves as a victim (“if I don’t show up one way, I won’t be accepted”) regardless of the context. They know that all feelings are valid and believe that if you love someone, you’re supposed to accept all of what the person brings to the table. But they fail to realize what we (parents, educators, coaches, therapists) aim to teach children: all that you feel is acceptable; but not all of your actions, in response to those feelings, are. In response to my friend, it is not about my not accepting their feelings; it is about not being willing to accept mistreatment. It’s about an ask that they not project their feelings onto me. It is about a desire, and the right, to be treated kindly by being acknowledged in a way that I deserve versus being treated as though I had been the one who sent them spiraling downward.
I say to all of my people: if you’re hurt, sad, upset, angry, disappointed, frustrated – whatever it is that makes you feel less than good – I welcome that. I want to be there for you in whichever way you might need, and if it’s by giving space, that’s totally fine, but can you say: “Hey, how are you? (maybe a brief hug if we’re usually affectionate with each other). I’m in a rough place, and I just need some space, but we’ll catch up later. Hope you had a nice day.” versus suddenly acting cold and distant, treating me like I was the reason for your suffering. You can come to me with all of your feelings; I can give you space, I can hold space, I can provide a distraction, I can offer a perspective, but you have to tell me what you need, and I ask that you do so gently. While you might believe that if I love you, you should be free to show up however you want, I need to tell you that I also love myself, and what I need to thrive, to be the best version of myself so that I can be a good friend to you, is peace, and will not hesitate to point it out to you when you treat me poorly.
Showing up “as we are,” without regulating our behavior, might be authentic but rather than peaceful, it’s unfair and often unkind. Moreover, the hot and cold approach gives the other person mixed messages, and communicates to them that they are going to be treated one way when we are in a good mood, and a different way when we are not, whether or not they had anything to do with it. It evokes in them extra caution or hypervigilance, the “walking on egg shells” so as to prevent upsetting us further. It requires of them to use their energy to make sense of our altered behavior in an attempt to ward off its negative effects on their wellbeing. None of this brings peace to the other person nor to the relationship. We can extend love and peace to others by gently communicating to them how we feel and what we need, regardless of the intensity of those feelings or the extent of our needs.
As adults, we need to balance our desire to show up however we want – childishly believing we should, because, after all, we are free to feel whatever we want – with a desire to bring peace and harmony into all relationships, and especially to those with people closest to us. It is about the quest to find a perfect balance between non-violence and truthfulness, that sweet spot where we can remain fully authentic while also being kind towards oneself and others.
And while we don’t want to stoop down and act childish, whenever we can help it (that is, whenever we can catch ourselves in a situation and choose to respond consciously rather than react impulsively), we would be well-served by being more childlike in all the ways that bring joy to our lives, allowing ourselves to be inspired, to feel awe and wonder, to see beauty and color abound, to receive and extend the warmth of a tender touch towards people around us, and to remain intuitively aware of all the capabilities within and possibilities outside of us.
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