In a well-meaning attempt to provide closure to the other person in the process of leaving a relationship, many people give reasons that have very little, if anything, to do with their own inner truth, even if they explicitly say the words “this is about me, not you.” They might say “you deserve more” or “you need someone who is..,” and might genuinely believe that they are doing their significant other a favor by removing themselves from their life. However, making assumptions about what another person may need and measuring oneself against that ideal is not helpful. It is not helpful during the course of the relationship, and is certainly not helpful at the end. Not for the person being left behind, and not for the person leaving. What most people need is a heart-felt statement that gets to the core of their partner’s reasons for withdrawing: “I am not ready to open my heart fully. I am not ready or willing to be vulnerable. I need to learn how to get in touch with my feelings and communicate them openly. I desire something (or someone) else. My focus is on…” Any and all of this will do.
For the person leaving, don’t be afraid to speak from the heart. Even if you think you don’t have the words. Face what you are feeling, get to the bottom of what it is that you are seeking, and the words will come. It is easier to make an assumption that the other person would be better off without you than face your own needs, and let alone communicate them. But this is necessary. It is the way to your authentic self, which will help guide you as you walk on, and will help them accept that it is time to let go. Have no fear, they will not try to change your mind. If they truly love you, they will not attempt to hold you captive in a situation you no longer want to be. Love is freely given and freely received, or freely rejected. If they are in tune with their own soul, they know that your leaving has little to do with them. They know that your decision to leave is about what YOU need, or want, or struggle with, and they acknowledge that you need to be true to your path. Right now, this means parting ways. They simply need you to own the reasons for your decision and not hide behind the assumptions you make about what they could benefit from.
Speak only to what is true for you, not what you think is true for me. Respect me enough to let me respond to your truth in the way that is authentic to me. THAT is what will help provide closure.
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