Or: How Not To Waste Our Time Sitting Through a Lecture from Which We Had Disconnected Ourselves
What I have learned through my own experiences both in the context of professional development and interpersonal relationships is this: in light of triggers, get curious! This is absolutely easier said than done, but, just like Marshall Rosenberg, I believe that anything worth doing is worth doing poorly at first (and when I know better, I will do better). One of the things worth doing, I believe, is practicing staying open and curious, so that I could continually grow in knowledge and awareness when exposed to words, beliefs or ideas that initially don’t sit well with me. In allowing this process to unfold, I stay gracious with myself because I know I will not do this perfectly. I get triggered, I close off, I disconnect…just like anyone else. But I remain cognizant of doing so and bring back the intention to soften, open up, allow.
When we are presented with any sort of content in the context of a training, lecture, master class etc., it is important to be able to draw a line between the content itself (which can be very valuable) and the lens through which the content is delivered (which could potentially be triggering). Presenters – regardless of their level of influence or recognition in their respective fields – will deliver material filtered through their own belief system. No one can escape this. We all communicate from our own perspective, which is equally true when delivering information as well as receiving information.
Not every belief that comes to light in this context (whether explicitly stated or by inference) will align with ours, but before we close ourselves off, we could ask ourselves: “How can the content of the training – independent of the presenter’s beliefs around the application of the content – be applied in my own context, filtered through my own set of beliefs?” Rather than walling ourselves off from the entire experience due to a real (or perceived) misalignment in values and beliefs, we could commit to working on suspending judgment, and either a) focus solely on content, or b) engage in the content while getting curious about where the presenter is coming from.
If we do get curious, often we find that it is not so much a radical difference in beliefs or values that has led to our disengagement/discontent/disapproval, but that instead, we are dealing with a difference in lenses (or planes, or sheaths – as we refer to them in yoga philosophy) through which we engage with and talk about the world at any given time (i.e. physical plane, energetic, environmental, spiritual…). If the presenter is speaking from one level, and we are hearing it from another, this can make a big difference in the way we interpret the message. When we ask for clarification, and commit to receiving it compassionately, we often realize that the gap between the deliverer (them) and the receiver of information (us) is not as great as it might have initially seemed. And frequently, we find that there is no gap at all – the issue lies in untangling and disassociating intent from impact.
Without getting curious, we erect barriers which lead to closing off and even giving one’s power away by allowing another person to influence our emotions. We take this power back by understanding that the thoughts behind our emotions are what leads us to our experiencing the emotions in the first place. For example, if we assign blame (by way of our thinking pattern) onto the other person for saying something we perceived to be out of line or morally wrong or any other judgment we dole out, we will feel anger; we will be on defense and will close off to new information or a potentially valuable experience for growth. If we assign blame onto ourselves, we will feel sadness. The self talk in this case includes blaming ourselves for being inadequate in some way. This leads to withdrawal by which we also close ourselves off from valuable opportunities to expand our knowledge or awareness, and instead, we surrender to thoughts and emotions that contribute to further suffering. But if we suspend judgment and get curious, we often realize that the differences among us (the deliverers and the receivers of information) during the times we feel triggered lie not so much in the differences between our core values and beliefs, but the ways in which we intentionally (or even inadvertently) express them, and in the strategies we use to uphold them.
To come full circle, if presenters aren’t cognizant of these dynamics and/or don’t make a point of verbalizing their intentions before delivering content inescapably filtered through their own beliefs and biases, there will likely be a disconnect between their intentions and their impact on us. If they don’t acknowledge that some things they say might be triggering for people and invite people to suspend judgment, there might be disconnect. If we aren’t reminded to keep an open mind and an open heart so that we can connect to each other’s humanness on a soul level – and we don’t remember to do this without being prompted – there will be some of us who will have wasted our time.
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