Are You Brave Enough to Commit? On Sex, Intimacy, Trust, Vulnerability, Novelty and Adventure
I was asked if I were open to the idea of being in an open relationship. And not hypothetically, but right here, right now.
From a place of fiercely advocating for what I want and for what I believe is the ultimate way for me to experience a love relationship, came a ten-page manifesto. As I reread it, I thought to myself that sharing some of the excerpts would not only be a courageous thing to do but might inspire others to think deep about what it is that they truly want for themselves.
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While I can’t speak from personal experience about open relationships in which partners are free to get involved with other people physically while remaining physically involved with each other, nor can I speak about polyamory, in which both emotional and physical intimacy is shared with other people, I can speak to the kind of relationship I want to participate in – conscious monogamy.
Conscious monogamy, as best described in the Conscious Monogamy podcast by a holistic sex and relationship coach Kim Amani, is what can be thought of as true monogamy. The “conscious” aspect of a physically exclusive relationship refers to the commitment to transparency, radical honesty, courage and readiness to speak one’s own and receive one’s partner’s truth, all of which – if present at all – is only present to a small, safe degree in an average relationship. People tend to prefer emotional safety over creating and maintaining a brave space, a space to bare oneself naked physically and emotionally until there is nothing left unsaid or unseen.
Instead, people (if they choose to trust at all) choose to trust without inquiry and subscribe to the idea that “ignorance is bliss as long as the relationship can function reasonably well.” But when the lack of transparency characterizes the relationship, the inner peace of the person who withholds information is disturbed, and this disturbance starts to manifest itself in some way. It becomes palpable. When a person is not able to bring their authentic self to the relationship, the relationship will suffer. Over time, it will either stagnate or deteriorate. Authenticity maintained and nurtured through radical and tactful honesty – is what fuels the fire.
In conscious monogamy, where the focus is on delving deep, allowing oneself to crack open and then creating and ever evolving a deep, open, brave, vulnerable, trusting, adventurous, vibrant and exciting relationship with another human, there is little room (and time!) left for deep emotional and physical connections with other people, and likely even an absence of a desire for connecting that deeply with people outside of the relationship.
Radical honesty isn’t for everyone. It is not always easy – in fact, it can be excruciating – to bear witness to what is real for the other person, particularly when we are directly affected by it. But for us who believe in the power of purification through sharing and receiving such truth, it is well worth it, regardless of the outcome. The truth either invites the other person to a dance or sets them free. In either case, it is one of the most powerful ways to show respect for oneself, for one’s partner, and for the relationship.
If partners commit to showing up authentically in their consciously monogamous relationship – if they are committed to personal growth and evolution as well as to growing and evolving the relationship to keep pace with individual ascension – a monogamous relationship will not lack adventure and excitement. We are not the same people over the years if we commit to growth and evolution – we are only the same people if we commit to stagnation.
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And what about sex within the context of a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship? Isn’t it a given that over time, the desire for our partner will wane and a desire to experience adventure with someone new would start to build? I believe that that experience is common, but in no way is that particular outcome inevitable.
When we become conscious of the many variables that go into creating a quality physical (sexual) experience, we start to realize the inherent degree of variability – the infinite number of possibilities – that present with each experience of coming together. There are so many factors involved that each experience can be vastly different from one occasion to another. The “quality” of these experiences, for me personally, depends on my emotional state and needs at any given time, and how they align with those of my partner. In general, it depends on the level of connectedness, the degree of trust, the degree to which one is able and willing to let go of inhibitions and be open and vulnerable; it depends on the degree to which one is able to be truly present in the moment with the other person versus using their partner’s body as a vehicle to get to the desired destination alone. It depends on the ease of communication and the knowingness on the part of each partner as to what it is that they enjoy, desire, want to explore and work toward. With all of this, the greater the degree of alignment and freedom on all those accounts, the better the experience – the more connected, fulfilling, memorable the experience.
That is why even with the same person, there is SO MUCH room to grow and such a tremendous opportunity for variability because there will be a different set of internal circumstances each time, in each situation. Can the partners learn to let the other person know what they want or need and not wish their partner would just know? Can a person, out of a general desire for a great, connected experience, truly be there in the moment, embody the love and care in pleasing the other person and then find themselves shifting the emotional state/mood they may have had going into the experience and end up feeling completely transformed after? I believe – know – all of this is possible. But it’s not going to be a spiritual kind of merging every time, nor does it have to be. Again, it comes down to communicating where each person is at – what they are wanting, needing, what are they curious to explore.
There is yet another layer of expansive variability that can be found in the physical realm when we consider the nature of fluctuating emotions. Regardless of our initial intentions around how we want to experience physical intimacy, it would be unrealistic to expect that the two people would always show up in the same way. Some days, there is this energy of wild desire to explore new things; some days, there is heat and passion and the desire is for the intensity of sensation; some days, there is tenderness; some days, there is a connection so deep and it transcends the physical and rises into the spiritual experience; some days, there is intentionally slow, super charged exploration; some days there is a desire for a quick release… The combinations are seemingly endless. The energies between the two people might not always be aligned, which can make for a really wonderful mix of experiences within one coming together (if partners can communicate) but can also present a challenge (if they cannot). And if the energies are aligned, the power of the experience intensifies.
In conscious monogamy, the focus on openness and courageous emotional vulnerability provides fertile soil for deeply connected sexual experiences, regardless of the shape they happen to take at any given time. Unlike in a “safe” relationship where we only know what we need to know to keep on perpetuating status quo – or worse, a relationship in which there is an awareness around the misalignment of needs, disconnection and walls that partners put up to each protect themselves from the other – conscious monogamy offers us a glimpse into our own shadows, an opportunity to work through unresolved traumas, and express ourselves in the bedroom in ways that are creative and deeply fulfilling. There is softness and openness and the ability to use communication as a way to connect and break through any barriers that outer circumstances might erect.
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At this time, I have a clear sense of what I want, the degree of my openness to connections with other people, and the needs and desires around the love relationship I am in. One of the utmost needs that comes up for me is the need to trust. To trust that the person I am sharing myself with and offering myself to emotionally and physically will hold this offering safe and sacred. The desire is for exclusivity. For reciprocity. The request is for transparency. And I am sure of one thing: conscious monogamy is the only kind of partnership that I want for myself.
For now, at least.
The universe has a sense of humor and will often lead us into experiences that will have the power of waking us up to another person’s truth by putting us in their shoes. When that day comes, I am sure I will write about it.
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Edit: My original post included gentle references to the context behind this post. I decided to save that piece for some other time. Maybe a book. one day… Till then, may I continue to be the conscious co-creator of my life story.
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