Goodbye, My Almost Real Friend
Hello, my favorite stranger. I’ve been thinking about what I am about to say quite a bit lately.
Remember when I asked you why you keep this connection with me at the risk of damaging your relationship…why you choose to go against your word when you know by now that I would never let you stray from your path, no matter how drawn to me you feel or how much you value me as a person? What could you have possibly been gaining from this long-distance connection, that would have been worth damaging the trust between you and your beautiful and kind girlfriend?
You answered my questions as best as you could. The process provided some clarity and I’m grateful for your willingness to openly share what was true for you. That said, my understanding of your perspective did not ease my discomfort with the idea that you have been keeping our friendship a secret, and moreover, that you asked me to do the same.
At one point, I might have gone along with it. For the good part of the year over the course of our connection, I was free. I was free to interact with you in any way that felt right. Having an outlet that our flirtatious, playful, caring and compassionate friendship provided me often felt like just what the doctor ordered.
Until it didn’t.
When I experienced a deeply disappointing ending to a rekindled relationship and deep friendship with a person I’ve loved for a decade, I personally felt the heaviness of deceit. I had been led to believe something that wasn’t true, all the while remaining vulnerable, open, transparent…baring my soul and my body…to a lie.
From this place, I started to feel an ever-increasing discomfort with your request to not acknowledge you – or the fact that we know each other – in public, should we ever run into each other. We hadn’t even met in person, yet simply the fact that we had been communicating weighted heavily enough on you to decide that a viable solution to your internal conflict was pretending that our friendship wasn’t real.
All of the sudden, it all felt sickening to me.
I don’t want to participate in deception. Not actively, not passively. If I advocate for authenticity and transparency, I want to live my life knowing I am doing all I can to live up to those values.
I value our friendship. Somehow, the universe had brought us together at a time we both needed a lovely distraction…and lovely it was. We were there to listen to one another’s stories, dive into each other’s thought processes, provide encouragement when extra effort was needed, and to sprinkle some words of affirmation to fuel the new connection. I value all of that. But not more than I value my integrity. Not more than I value living my truth, speaking from the heart, and walking a path that’s aligned with my vision.
On this path, and in this vision, there is not enough space for secret connections. The space is reserved for people who are not only willing to acknowledge me privately, but would be willing to shout from the rooftops about the goodness that our connection creates.
I am worthy of being acknowledged.
Your girlfriend is worthy of respect inherent in transparency.
And you are worthy of living an authentic life.
Maybe what you really need is not to keep a door open, but to close it shut. Firmly. A redirection. A return to the source. To yourself. To wholeness. To your relationship…so you can grow it and grow within it, or lovingly leave it behind.
May my last act of our friendship be to close that door.
May you be healthy, may you be happy, may you live a life of purpose. These sentiments remain.
May we both walk our paths feeling at peace.
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