When trust is gone, your genuine words of appreciation, hope and good intentions no longer reach my heart in the same way as they once did. Now, they simply land…flat. There is no stirring of emotions; the heart doesn’t skip a beat; there is no fluttering in the belly. Once taken at face value, words that once had the power to send shivers down my spine are now, at best, a lovely sequence of letters. I can no longer experience the shifting of energy – the up-regulating effect that those words once had – because in my story, the words lose their meaning when actions run counter to the message.
All that had been said and experienced in the past, as magical as it once was, now seems tainted and broken. Much like looking at a row of beautifully framed pictures and smashing them all onto the floor. The images remain, but they lie there tarnished…the safety and protection around them shattered.
It cuts deeply…the loss that ensues after an experience of betrayal and deceit. It feels overpowering because it encompasses not only the present – the loss of friendship and the relationship – but also the future as well as the past. All the hopes, dreams and visions that had been created within the context of the relationship have suddenly been swept away, and the luster of memories has faded. The light has all but gone out.
It takes a lot of work to allow oneself to look up. To face the demise. To grieve while in the clutches of the loss and the mess. To pick up the pieces. To commit to rearranging them into something new, unique, perhaps equally beautiful. To allow the heart to soften. To forgive. To understand. To release.
Healing is a sacred journey that has no timeline. A reverie, even…once we are able to move through the pain into acceptance, and through acceptance into purpose. (I am not suggesting that there is a purpose behind loss, but that perhaps a new purpose could be found in light of it.)
When trust is gone, my heart goes to work. Not to build up a wall, but rather to break down the barriers to my own inner peace. And here, I am gentle, yet detached. I love, but I do not grasp. I make offerings instead of promises. When trust is gone, I find my purpose in reinventing happiness…and it has nothing to do with you.
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