As I scrolled through social media last night while waiting for my child to finish up his evening washing ritual and jump in bed, I came across a mindful hugging practice by Thich Nhat Hanh. It calls for coming together in an effort to bring about reconciliation, healing, understanding, and happiness. It is about recognizing and appreciating each other’s presence. We would hold each other for three in-and-out breaths, while thinking to ourselves as we breathe: “I am present in this moment and happy to be here; you are present in this moment and I’m happy you are here; we are present in this moment, and we feel a deep gratitude and happiness for our togetherness.”
I paused to contemplate it. It occurred to me that Luke and I had been practicing it throughout the years, and it was one of the essential components that contributed to rebuilding our friendship. While we engaged in the practice intuitively – rather than performing it as a prescribed practice – our intention was compatible to the intention any two people could have when they decide to hug mindfully: we wanted to pause for a moment, absorb each other’s energy, and communicate – in stillness and through warmth – that we were grateful to be there, in that moment, together, offering one another genuine care and best wishes as well as celebrating each other for all the good that we had been bringing to each other’s lives. “I see you, I’m here for you, I’m grateful for you, I’m grateful for us and all the hard work we’re putting into this relationship.” Beautiful. Effective.
But is it powerful enough to dissolve resistance? To open one’s heart? To invite vulnerability in someone whose armor has served them well?
It’s one thing to work on strengthening the wounded relationship when both parties are willing, and quite another to “fall into” the mending. To allow the action without aligning intentions. To come in for a hug constricted and unwilling to release the grip of whatever grudge or pain or hurt exists between oneself and the other person.
I imagine there are not many inner conflicts more difficult to tolerate than allowing oneself to go through the motions out of a desire to avoid letting the other person down… while fully aware of letting ourselves down. Letting ourselves down for not speaking up. For intentionally deceiving the other person into thinking we’re on the same page. For withholding a truthful expression of our current state of mind and being. For failing to remain authentic.
Luke and I have come to a place over the years where we refrain from hugging if we sense that we are not present enough to willingly release whatever it is that we’re holding onto that prevents us from descending into the moment. Sometimes it’s about being too high up in one’s head, and sometimes it’s about being too far behind the armor. Simply not ready to engage. Mentally or emotionally, not in a space where true connection can be (re)established… not even with 30 in-and-out breaths of mindful hugging. In fact, anyone who has allowed oneself to endure the other person’s attempts to connect while they themselves remained unwilling will likely recognize this as bordering on emotional torture. It is challenging to tolerate a situation in which we’re knowingly suppressing our truth while trying to please the other person – even if we truly appreciate their intention for connection and their desire to express genuine care.
Regardless of the best intentions of those who encourage us to stay with the hug – regardless of whether we are the initiator or the one allowing it to happen – I don’t believe in “willing” or touching someone into a state of release, ease or connection if that person is resistant. There is no release if there is no space to allow for a release to unfold. There can be no ease in remaining locked up in someone’s arms, no matter how loving. And there is no connection until there is attunement. Forcing – even if lovingly – a connection onto someone who is not ready for it is merely a misguided process of trying to meet our own needs while ignoring theirs, under the disguise of good intentions. Attunement, on the other hand, calls for reading the other person’s energy and responding to it with care. Not the care we would want to receive, but the care we know that the other person is most likely to respond to favorably. And, sometimes, giving people a little more space is the best care we can give.
In a safe space, between an invitation for connection and the expression of affection, we have an amazing opportunity to witness our experiences, our mental chatter, our emotional states, our tendencies, patterns, preferences, desires and needs. We can do inner work that will allow us to soften, to unfold, to let down our guard. And once the resistance dissipates, majority of the work required to build or maintain connection has already been accomplished. The mindful hugging practice can only enhance the experience of connection.
There is nothing more delicious than being enveloped in another person’s loving, calm, peaceful energy. Sharing this energy through the practice of mindful hugging is one of the most beautiful ways to experience co-regulation. It is no surprise that babies are most easily soothed by physical closeness to their regulated, loving primary caregiver. Maybe we can learn to approach one another with a similar degree of trust that we will be loved just as we are. And as long as we sense resistance… we opt for a safe, brave space in which we lovingly allow one another to walk, talk, grow and heal at our own individual pace.
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