Loving You

You are a ray of sunshine peeking 
through the bedroom blinds 
of my childhood home.
A white hued streetlight effortlessly
penetrating the lacy curtains 
while I trace the contours 
of the shadows on my grandma’s 
living room wall.
And the cool, crispy sheets on her 
pull out couch, and the rough 
orange blanket that kept 
shivers at bay when I couldn’t get 
warm enough.
You are my mama’s lukewarm 
washcloth on my burning forehead,
and the big soft plush toys tata would 
bring to cheer me up.
You are the color of my little brother’s 
affection, and his little feet
kicking me throughout the night 
under the Smurf sheets 
on our floor mattresses 
thrown side by side for comfort.

You are the love I felt then and feel now -
the most bittersweet moments in which 
I felt most fully alive.
The tiny room behind the coal shed 
where my family huddled together,
waiting for the siren to signal it was safe 
to exit.
You are the peace that enveloped me 
as I listened to the bombs drop 
in the distance, when I couldn’t explain 
why I wasn’t more afraid.

You are my grandpa’s soft tufts 
of white hair and gentle hands 
that smelled like peppermint.
And candy caramels,
and hazelnut gelato,
and the moonlit nights when
I stargazed on the rocks,
the waves that crashed around me 
to the sounds of crickets,
a distant guitar…and a waltz I’d dance 
on my tata’s feet.
You are the most amazing scent of pine 
needles and sap in the scorching heat,
and the salt on my lips at each summer’s 
first dive into the Adriatic Sea.
You are the cool breeze and warm 
summer nights, and the first snowfall 
on Christmas Eve.

You are the twinkling lights spanning
over the years,
connecting all the moments and 
memories and hopes and dreams...
And I love all of you - 
the parts I see and those I don’t,
the things I know and those I never will;
the people you love,
your struggles and victories,
and the little, ordinary moments that 
fill up the spaces between the more 
memorable ones.
A palpable energy that cannot be 
captured in words... It just seeps through 
these letters and lingers around me 
and within me. 
I knew you before...and I will know you 
long after we are no longer earthside.
And if you don’t recognize me yet...
maybe someday you will.

Loving you hurts in the best way,
and the tears that come are 
of the healing kind.
I am forever grateful for this 
ephemeral bodily existence 
and look forward to all the lifetimes 
still to come, waking up 
from dreams in which beautiful things 
are as real as this salt lamp by my bed 
casting an amber glow 
onto these white sheets 
pulling me under for another spin 
inside my subconscious.

And I let myself drift,
and I let myself feel,
and I am no longer present to 
the outside world...
Falling more deeply into this colorful,
vibrant nothingness,
with every slowing breath,
I am more securely anchored to yours.
Loving you is effortless
in this weightless space in which 
timelines and realities blur
and the words no longer stick to
my tongue and the roof of my mouth
like they used to,
but flow like water
into a green mossy wonderland
of irrepressible, quiet happiness.